thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
