My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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