Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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