She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
