The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
