my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
