apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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