Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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