Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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