Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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