trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is the high leading the old right now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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