i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
