Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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