i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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