i think i have two assholes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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