i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
