my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Drunk is a universal language darling
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
