My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
