Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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