I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
