Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
