Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
