People with herpes should wear stickers.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
