return my video game
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
