True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm at about main and main street
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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