I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
