What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
