can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
