Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
