She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
