sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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