All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
