You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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