That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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