what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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