I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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