i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
