"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
