Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
