If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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