wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
