No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
