I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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