just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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