HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
