Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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