she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize