You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
