nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
