Pants 0. Shit 1.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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