recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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