in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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