my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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