I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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