the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
