Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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